Thoughts from eternity...

Pssst...

2006-10-27T11:19:00.000-07:00

Holy cow it's been ages since I've posted here. Doh.

Loooooong recap short...I have a new blog now, begun as an assignment for school and I update that one much more often so...keep on truckin? get to movin? aw heck just go read that one instead ;)

http://newperspectivesphotographer.blogspot.com

Ohmmmmm....

2006-01-11T05:47:00.000-08:00

"I intoned a Hindu prayer and did a sacred Sufi dance as I stood inside a Native American medicine wheel and carried out parts of a Buddhist ritual while holding a Wiccan wand and Christian cross. My intention was to seek divine favor in helping you open to the possibility that you can expand your spiritual life considerably in the coming months, especially if you go exploring for inspiration outside of the beliefs and rituals that have nourished you up until now."

It's interesting (but not surprising) that he says this this week. Just yesterday my instructor mentioned that he was Bahai(I know I'm spelling that wrong. Sorry.) And then I heard something about it was a combo of a few different religions...I'm a little intrigued. And I have been negligent of pursuing anything spiritual lately. I'll have to heed his advice/thoughts and give that more attention.

As per another update...the apartment's ok and slowling being moved into and school is starting off fairly well. But as class begins in just a moment, I digress.

Ciao.

Translation...

2006-01-04T08:15:00.000-08:00

" "The Simpsons" TV show has made the leap to the Arab world. Broadcast by satellite from Dubai, it reaches a big audience in the Middle East. A few transformations were necessary, however. In accordance with Islamic law, the man of the house doesn't drink beer or eat pork. Instead, he enjoys soda and beef sausages. His name is Omar instead of Homer, and he doesn't frequent squalid bars or befriend scruffy derelicts as he does in the American version of the show. On the other hand, son Bart (now called Badr) is still a brat. Omar is as lazy as Homer, and, like the original, works at a nuclear power facility. I mention this, Gemini, because it's a good analogue for your possible future. In 2006, you will have the power and opportunity to translate something you're good at into a brand new sphere. "

Which skill? What will I translate? Does that mean keep my eyes open for international opportunities? Like maybe interning in BC? Or does that mean integrating one skill with another to do something I only half considered? Hm...I'll have to let this one settle in my brain for a bit I think.

But as an update...I signed a lease on a new apartment yesterday...turned on the water, purchased renter's insurance...need to call the power company today...and will move whenever I can enlist help ;) It's kind of exciting. It's almost odd too...this whole week and really just recently, everything is working out pretty well. Maybe I'm just handling things better who knows? I've been trying hard to have better self eficacy and not sit back and say " woe is me, I want this and I can't do that." I've been working whatever hours they'll give me at Penney's and will start discretly searching for a better job opp. in Asheboro this week.

(side note: There's a girl sitting opposite me here at the library computer desks, bouncing incessantly (sp?) It's really quite annoying. Grown woman, even somewhate attractive and she's shaking her leg or something that's making her bobble like my Michelin Tire Bobblehead Doll that sits in my car. Grrr. Enouch already lady. Cool it. end side note.)

Classes start back next week and I can't wait. I miss it. I miss all my classmates too. Well most of them anyway. And I feel ready for that next step, which I might add is a really nice feeling.

But that's about it for the update right now. Wanna help me move?? Call!

Got any thoughts on my horoscope? Let me know ;)

Ciao.

17 to 3...

2005-12-28T07:35:00.000-08:00

Rob Brezsny does it again. But then I wasn't really surprised.

"Many Geminis fit the description of a class of people that Wired magazine calls "yeppies," or "young experimenting perfection seekers." Overwhelmed by a profusion of conflicting opportunities, they are restless and insatiable. They treat life "as an exercise in comparison shopping, refusing to commit for fear of missing a better offer." While this approach is pretty normal for your tribe, I suspect it won't work as well in 2006 as it has for you in the past. That's why I urge you to try out some very different attitudes: a tolerance for imperfection, a respect for limits, an appreciation for the value of peace of mind, and a willingness to concentrate on just two or three possibilities instead of 17. "

It's good advice for me. I don't know that I'm quite as bad as the stereotype of the first few lines but...I do fall into that category. Reading this I remembered many times last semester, having others tell me to relax or poking fun at my angst over an imperfection. (Side note: I received three A's and two B's for last term.)

It's true. I don't like to settle for imperfection or something less than what I want. And some things I won't settle on regardless of Brezsny's advice. But that's another post about love and magic and dreams come true and happily ever afters and integrity and my ridiculous stubborn streak fueled by my insatiable curiosity. So...on that point, I digress.

As for the rest of it...it's good advice and duely noted. School starts again in about a week and while I need to focus and do well, I can't let my sanity and health suffer as a result. Also, I've been working so hard at work to do my job well and be a stereotypical snotty-bored-to-death-don't-care-about-other-people's-problems kind of retail worker that whenever I have a day off, I sleep for like ten or twelve hours. Bad on so many levels. Ok maybe just on two. Once school starts, I'll only get 6-8 hrs so it's a bad habit to have and...it upsets my Mom, with whom I live so it creates undue stress.

I've also lost a lot of time in thought about which concentration to choose next year...photojournalism or commercial. Ultimately I want to do both in my career. I don't think a third year at school is an option so I want to choose one that will help me acheive both goals. I'm too stubborn to have talked to my teachers yet but Brezsny's right (again.) Maybe I should so I can stop stressing about making the right choice...not commiting to one for fear I'll want the other in the end...I want both but I don't have to figure out all the anwers today either.

Well for the sake of not wanting to ramble aimlessly I'll go for another week. Next week...job searches, apartment searches and hopefully some good news. Anyone want to buy a house in a growing part of gso??

Ciao.

Getting Grounded...

2005-12-21T10:53:00.000-08:00

"Happy Holy Daze, Gemini! I've been meditating on the perfect holiday gifts for you. What symbolic items might stimulate you to take maximum advantage of the cosmic currents in 2006? The answer is: a lot of beautiful, comfortable shoes suitable for a variety of moods, from hiking to working to traveling to dancing. I recommend this dramatic upgrade in footwear because I think it would help drive home the single most important task you have ahead of you, which is to come all the way down to earth. This is the year you've got to become as well-grounded as you've ever dared to be. "

Ok. So it's been ages since I've written. It's long over due I guess.

Above is my horoscope for this week. I still say it's eery how accurate these things are...well at least those that come from freewillastrology.com anyway.

While shoes may not be a big excitement for me in the literal sense...I'm facing a major shoe shopping endeavor right now, in the figurative sense. I just left my job at the gym-there goes the old worn in pair of tennis/coaching shoes that I loved. But they're in the back of my closet still. Hopefully I'll have chances to pull 'em out and wear them again once in awhile.

Replacing those shoes are a new pair of simple black mules with a cushioned heel. I have a new job in retail. Blah. I work at JC Penney now. The co-workers are nice and quite helpful. The work itself is not so bad and the customers, more often than not, are pretty nice. I get a discount and incentives here and there. But the paycut hurts and ensures I'll need to work more hours...So this pair of shoes is one that appears comfortable and so-so but...part of me can't wait 'till they're worn out.

I'm about to begin a new semester at school. One down, five to go. Damn did it fly too! Our numbers are dwindling and they'll likely be a big cut again with the start of classes on the ninth. We began with almost 80 students. We lost 11 before finals and some will likely not return for one reason or another. That's good though. So this pair of shoes looks a lot like the pair for the first semester only they'll get a lot more wear. Lots more miles. The pace will be picked up and more ground will be covered. Here's hoping they last. It would suck to be running bare-foot by the end.

As if there's not enough of my plate with all that, i'm trying on another pair so to speak. I'm going to try to get my Mom to go back to school. We've talked about it some and she's interested, just a little intimated. So I guess the shoes resemble slippers...a pair I can wear to do lots of research in and maybe a little travel. Of course, they're fuzzy.

And so, my climbing shoes are getting cold and dusty. My hiking boots have yet arrive. But my running shoes, will hopefully get further broken in. It may be my only sanity these next few months and a good way to keep my feet on the ground and my head on straight.

The horoscope is dead on. Now more than ever perhaps, I have to be focused and push until the goals are met. Fortunately, I have a few people willing to help my tie my shoes.

Ciao...

Turn the page...

2005-08-24T12:03:00.000-07:00

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*pant*pant*

I'm home again! *does a jig* I was homesick all summer and I'm finally back in beautiful NC. I was giddy, no really I was, on the plane ride home. I rode back with Kierston and Lindsey and we must have made people wonder 'cause we were all so excited.

Anyway, it's so nice to be back. My mom, wonderful woman she is, redecorated my room while I was away. So, I came back to painted walls, a new decor in my bathroom and the most comfortable bed! She put one of those foam pads on it, then really nice sheets, super fuzzy blanket and a down comforter, (aka a douve.) Sooooo nice.

I had Krispy Kreme doughnuts this morning and homecooked food since I've been back. Oh yeah, and let's not forget the ever wonderful, Kraft mac n' cheese and ramen noodles. *lol* I've also been able to drive again. It feels great! It's amazing the difference it makes, at least when you're so used it. I'd get over it if there were better public transportation in this country or if things were closer together, but oh well. I enjoy it.

So guess what! Most of you don't know this yet, but, I'm actually, finally, attending RCC! I made it! *do a little dance* It's day three of classes and I'm a tad overwhelmed. I knew it'd be expensive but it still hits you hard, even when you're expecting it. But my Dad has been and is being a huge huge help with that. Mom is helping as best she can by letting me stay with her rent free and feeding me. So it all evens out to lucky me. ;) I can't say i'm wild about my online English course or my Math course yet. But, once I"m done with them I'm done with them. As it is I'm taking them earlier than most because I transferred, so that's quite nice. The drive is long, about an hour each way, but a straight shot; No real traffic issues to complain about. I'm am excited about my photo courses. The instructors all seem really nice. I'm most excited for my design class. The instructor is really great and I'm sure I'll write about him more down the road. But, moving right along.

Camp was...um...well not at all what I expected. But I think that was part of the trouble. I let myself go with expectations. My eight years at Camp Fuller left me with preconceptions about what camp should be and what I wanted from it. POP is a whole different world. Hindsight being what it is, I can look back on the summer and realize where my mistakes laid. One, i just mentioned, and second, I know I could have been a better person while I was there. I let the stress and shock of being away from home and homesick, as well as the shock of adjusting to not only a new camp but one where I felt very disrepected, wear me down. I could have, should have, found the strength somewhere to remind myself that it wasn't all about me and what I was wanting and what I needed and about how I was unhappy. I had come to do a job, at upon arrival, it was moot as to wether or not it's what I expected or wanted. I should have either left early on or sucked it up and pushed myself harder to do better.

I spent a lot of time bitching to and with anyone who'd listen I think. That's detrimental. I spent more time noticing what was wrong with POP and not enough figuring out how to make it better for myself and those around me. I was quite selfish this summer I'm frankly ashamed and a little embarrassed. I know I could have done better. I know that I'm a better person than who I was there. But, regret is procrastination. So, I digress.

Now comes the point to move forward and take with me the lessons I learned; to use them and therefore make that experience even more worthwhile. Don't get me wrong, I did have some laughs and good times. Some of my day off adventures were fantastic. I made some friends there that I hope to stay close with for years to come. But, I'm turning the page to a new chapter in my life now and there's no room to daudle. I'm the only one who can lead my life and I'll just have to hope those close to me will lead lives that take them on journeys to the same place now and then.

I read my horoscope today. No I don't take them as verbatum but often it can offer good advice or a new way to view my day or week etc. The horoscopes from http://www.freewillastrology.com offer insight that is so accurate sometimes it's eerie. Go read yours and maybe you'll see what I mean. Anyway, mine was as follows:

Gemini Horoscope for week of August 25, 2005
"If you dig a hole deep enough into the earth," the grandmother of my friend Carlos used to tell him when he was a kid, "you can see the sun rise at night." From a metaphorical perspective, that's good advice for you right now, Gemini. In order to get to the highest place possible, you might have to dive down deeper than you ever have before. To find the illumination you need, you should probably explore the densest darkness.

I think it just reiterates my point about needing to suck it up and keep moving forward. I've been wanting to reach this point, attending RCC and being that much closer to a career, for years now. This summer, I let little things bring me down and it got me nowhere fast. I need to keep digging, keep following the sunrise, despite the rocks or roots or fatigue that may come with the effort. The reward, is worth all of it. Afterall, if it weren't, it wouldn't be much of a reward. So in the words of a popular song," Tomorrow may rain, so, I'll follow the sun."

Ciao.

Lonely among many...

2005-06-23T18:25:00.000-07:00

Well here I am at camp and let me tell you, it's beautiful! Right on Lake Brant in the Adirondacks! My morning runs have been painful but the view is truly motivating. The fog nestles in on the lake before dawn and is lifting by the time I return. The road winds through hills and farms and forest with the occasional peek at the lake and someone's luxury they call a summer home.

All the girls here at camp are very nice and we'll have incredible adventures, including taking our girls/campers to a boys camp in MA and again to Lake Placid. Older girls will go to Montreal and Boston. Yet, the homesickness has settled in nicely...like a case of food poisoning. One moment I feel fine. Then, quite happy to be here and confident it will be an amazing summer, excited to see the campers come. But then, for no good reason, something in the air changes and I feel completely lonely and just plain yucky.

I have the luxury to call my Mom but it's bittersweet. I don't have my car so I can't drive or get to town. I have to depend on other modes of transportation which is limiting and expensive. I miss my puppy and having the chance to take a hot bath when I'm stressed. I miss getting to chat with Mom at the end or start of a day, face to face. I miss my bed and my belongings in their normal place. It's odd I guess. I think if I were traveling around somewhere alone, I wouldn't really feel homesick. Likewise if I were accompanied by a close friend I'd had for a time, I'd be fine. But the combination of being so far from home and all its details, and meeting all the people and traditions and rules etc. for the first time...well it makes me feel quite lonely.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not leaving. Nor am I trying to complain, because like I said, this place is beautiful and when the girls all pay an average of $10k (no that's not a typo) per summer and come year after year( yes they are interviewed and must be asked to attend) well the opportunities and ammenities make it feel more like a posh retreat than a camp. But I think maybe in my excitement to apply and be hired, to know I had a decent summer job and the chance to do something I've enjoyed before, I got my hopes up too high. I should have really begged to teach gymnastics instead settling for arts and crafts. I should have gotten my mechanic's "ok" and driven up here. I should have quit my job at the gym back home and planned to save my summer paycheck to live off of until I find something better. I should have waited to train for the marathon during a time when I'd get more than five hours of sleep per night.

Hindsight is just adding to the lonesome and leaving a rather neutral feeling where I was hoping to stay innately enthused. It's a lot like drinking Bailey's Irish Creme and lemon juice (aka a cement mixer) and properly shaking my head. When you do that, they combine and curdle in your mouth. Will it hurt you? No. Does it taste good? Eh. Not so much. Is it what you thought you'd get when you agreed to a shot with a friend? No. Will you give up drinking and head home cranky? No.

I started this blog page to be a way to keep in touch with many friends without writing dozens of similar emails. But for the last few, it's been more of place to vent. So, if you're not entertained, oh well. But if you have worldly wisdom...I'm always open to offered advice.

So for now, I'm going to bed in hopes to get eight hours of sleep. Tomorrow is a rest day and I'm sure I'll be uber sore. Saturday, I run six miles. Updates to follow when I can.

Ciao.

And it begins...

2005-06-14T10:16:00.000-07:00

Ok. I know it's been awhile since I've written. Sorry. And it will be again. It's Tues, my birthday, and I leave Fri. I'll be at camp for two months hopefully having the time of my life and getting in fantastic shape. Marathon training begins today. I went for a short run and let me tell you, it was boiling hot! Ah well. This is probably the biggest goal and hardest push I've ever had to make so far in my life. I'm anxious and excited. So...wish me luck and send me letters and keep tuned in-I'll write again when I have the chance.

Ciao.

Racing to save lives!

2005-05-23T11:40:00.000-07:00

To those of you who know me, it probably won't seem shocking anymore when I tell you I have a new endeavor. But the shock factor is moot really. This new goal is not only huge, at least to me, but very important. I've decided to train for a marathon.

But I'm taking it further than just a marathon. I've joined Team In Training, of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society. They'll help me with the training part. I help them with fundraising. I'll be able help find a cure for blood cancers and to better someone's quality of life once directly affected by a blood cancer.

Over 75 cents of every dollar, goes towards research and patient assistance. The Society offers aid to those diagnosed with blood cancers so they can find the medical, financial and emotional support they need. The research has proved imperitive and the survival rates are steadily rising.

I've had my share of pain and loss and brushes with death. But this post is not about my trials. Yet, those events made realize how strong, and how fraile life can be. Imagine living life and enjoying all it has to offer, pursuing your dreams and watching them slowly come true. Then suddenly, you start to feel a little tired, maybe a little sick. The doctor hands you a diagnosis of cancer. Finding the strength to not accept it as defeat, or as a death sentence, is to say the very least, admirable. I want to be a part of making it easier to do. I want to be a part of the cure, the strength and support. I want to be part of the inspiration. And I need your help.

Please take just a few moments of your day or your week and read more about the diseases, the options and people who have to actually fight for the chance to keep following their dreams. http://www.leukemia-lymphoma.org .

I recently met Micheal, an 8 year old boy from my city. He has 5 brothers and sisters! I sort of expected him to be highly affected by the disease somehow but he wasn't. He's been in remission for two years now from his leukemia. After five years they'll consider it a cure. I remember growing up being told there was no cure. I can't begin to explain the emotions I feel when I look at him, help him rock climb at my gym or just talk to him about video games, knowing that my efforts will help him, and others like him, to pursue whatever he chooses in life. It's an amazing feeling to know that I get to help erase that sense of burden that a diagnosis of cancer must leave on him, and his family, as well as all the others stricken by it.

I have a goal of raising $3900. Please visit http://wwwactive.com/donate/tntwnc/jenndoscher. to make a donation. The steps are outlined on the site and it's quick and easy. Your donation is fully tax deductible. Please give what you can and help me reach my goal. Help the victims of blood cancers get their lives back. Every effort makes an integeral difference.

If you want to contact me with any questions or concerns or general thoughts, please do! eternal102@hotmail.com. Just mention TNT blog in your subject so I'll be sure not to dump it with junk mail. ;) I'd love to hear about anyones experience with marathons, cancer etc.

Thank you for taking the time to read this and to consider a donation. I do appreciate it. This is a huge goal and one I can't do alone.

Ciao!

Does studying late make you lonely? It makes me lonely...

2005-05-03T20:25:00.000-07:00

Ok. So it's been awhile since I've written. Sorry. Things have been a little hectic lately. I'm still kicking myself for this whole semester. Part of me doesn't give two shits about it and wants out. I was only in it 'cause I got stuck, money wise. Then, my stinkin standards kicked in. The two have been going at it this whole time and I'm exhausted. I'll pull a straight up F in drawing, short of a rather large miracle. I'll be lucky to pull a B in sociology. I'd better have passed though. Bio, human evolutions. Fun class. Soooo much material. So many projects. Spent 4 1/2 hours on the final exam alone! Up till all hours now doing the four projects. Yes, I knew about them from day one of the semester and yes I waited till now to do them. Score one for the part of me that doesn't care. But I'm doing them nonetheless. Score one for the part of me that does care. I ought to be dizzy with all this back and forthing. I'll just be glad when it's done.

I desperately want out of Greensboro. I desperately want to finish school. I deserately need something new and exciting to take place, and soon!

Moving to California or Arizona is just not feasable right now. Nor is moving to New Zealand. My boss has me lined up for buttloads of hours at the gym next fall. Yes that's good 'cause I need to work and save money and build credit for school. Yes it's good 'cause I love kids and I love coaching. Yes it sucks 'cause I want out of here! I go to Charlotte on this Friday to the AirTran info session. There's a position open in Atlanta, GA. I'm always led to beleive that some will open soon in Charlotte, NC. That would be fantastic. My ideal is to attend this meeting, get interviewed and asked to complete the next rounds of screening and such, then be offered a job at summer's end. "Move to Charlotte by Sept. and git flyin!" New job, new career, new people, new place, new money. God just cross your toes and fingers and wiggle your nose and dance around and burn stuff and hum and whatever it takes-I really want this job! I know I'd miss my kids and the gym and that my loyatly to it/them will make it hard to leave, but I'm ready. I've been ready.

Then, there's this guy. He emails me out of the blue and tells me I'm stunning. We email, then talk, then finally meet and hang out. He's fantastic! We're so compatible and the more time I spent with him the more time I wanted to spend with him. Geez, we've been out once, spoken a few times and I'm acting all girlie. Bad Jenn! I'm trying to remind myself that patience is important and that just because I've a million things going on and want comany, doesn't mean others,(him or anyone else for that matter,) has free time what I want them to. It leaves one feeling sort of lonely somehow. My schedule is changing and most other people's aren't. That's what sucks about school and semesters. Oh well. Guess this post is my little rant-rave-pity-party. Oops. Not supposed to do that either Jenn. Grrrr. You're better than this.

I should be saying, I look forward to the job interview and really hope to have it offered to me. I should mention that I met a wondeful guy and look forward to spending lots of time with him as is possible. I should say that this semester at school has been rocky but is nearly over and I can then move on, taking the lessons of it with me. I should say that I will be leaving for Camp in a little over a month and I do look forward to the chance to be back in the environment, as well as to meet new people and just be away for two months. I should also mention that I will begin training for a marathon soon and I'm really excited. I'll post more about that after I meet with a representative next week. Oh, and while I'm thinking of it, I'll finally get the final color put into the tattoo on my foot. It will still need some touch-ups and I think some background designs but, I will be reasonably finished.

I should also be saying a great deal about religion and human evolution...no not here, in my paper that's due in just over eight hours. Huh. Right then. This has been a beneficial rant for me. I apologize if it was annoying or to 'brambling.' There's more to be said but the points were made. In the absence of the company I wish I had at the moment, this has been a welcome study break. Thus, I return to my studious role and bid thee farewell.

Ciao.

Getting my wings...

2005-04-18T08:33:00.000-07:00

The other day, while I was waiting in line at the bank, I overheard and butted into a conversation with a gentleman who had mentioned he was a flight attendant for Air Tran Airways. We spoke for probably ten minutes. It was a lot like a job interview. We talked about the good and bad aspects of the job and why I'd love it, how he got into it etc. He also mentioned that they are relocating to Charlotte,NC very soon, and will be hiring more flight attendants. He encouraged me to apply.

So here I go.

I have gone to the website and researched their process, confirmed they are actively hiring, read about their benefits, and am about to submit my appplication online. Here's hoping they invite me to attend the informational meeting on May 6, in Charlotte.

I've thought about doing this for years now. I even researched it fairly seriously just a few months ago but; determined it wasn't good timing just then. Now, I think it is and, I really hope it is. The idea of having something new to learn and grow in and from is fantastic. Knowing I can, from day one, travel anywhere the airline flies for free, is amazing. The benefits are good and I could go on and on. I'm excited and hopeful and anxious all at once. Please wish me luck. The further I go with this, even now and so early on, the more excited I get!

More as soon as I know more myself.

Ciao.

Forces of nature, forces of humanity...

2005-04-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

"If you were to liken yourself to a force of nature, which would you choose?"

Wind.

"Why?"

Always have. The way it moves. The reason it moves. Someone told me once that each of us used to share one soul. I think the wind and I still share one soul. We've yet to be shattered and split.

"Can you explain why or how you're like the wind?"

Close your eyes. If you're still, you can hear a whisper brush over your skin. At once gentle and passionate. Your hair pushed back and your chin lifted. Your lips caressed, your soul excited. A scent of earth and sun, a taste of something sweet and unidentified. Should you open your eyes and see, you might blame me. But I would blame the wind.

The wind and I depend on each other for the happiness we find. Becuse of Wind, I can fly. I know how it feels. And all my emotions can find flight. Because of me, the Wind can tease and caress, and know what it is to touch and to feel. If I am yin, Wind is yang.

"And your friends? Can you liken any of them to a force of nature?"

Yes. One, he is like fire. He can offer safety and refuge, resource and comfort. He is intrigue by definition. His touch can both create and destroy, melt and singe. He can suck the life from my lungs with one kiss and he poses the only threat to the part of me that is wind. And whether admitted, or acknowledged, or not, we need each other to survive, to exist, to thrive.

Another friend, he is water. The way he moves, through life and in life, is like only the ocean. He is music and reason. He is life giving, life sustaining. But the power in his passion, his devotion and gentle patience, can cause a soul to be lost and buried in mystery for ages. He as water and I as wind, we move and dance together. We explore the world before us, each seeing the same corner from a different poise. We find greater contentment with life in knowing each other, being changed just slightly by the other.

"Have you met an earth yet?"

No. I don't think I have...someone innately strong and wise, giving, patient and set in convictions. Someone constantly changing shape. Someone who changes shape and self as often as she changes others. Someone who protects others as often as she neglects.

I have not met an earth yet. But I know we, as mortal beings held in a drop of time, all shared one soul before our ripple began. And we will again when it reaches the shore, the Source.

Ciao.

Is it that I'm too ready and he's not yet ready?

2005-04-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

Just the other day I had a conversation with a good friend. We were discussing the people in our lives whom we truly love. Each of us has a person, a friend, who we would marry in a heartbeat but who also needs time to be ready for such an overwhelming step in life. We talked about how these people made us feel, the good the bad and all the other feelings too.

I was telling him how 'my guy' seemed to be commitment-phobic. It's odd really. I regard him-my guy-as so strong and level-headed and mature and yadda yadda. But when the conversation turns to anything about his feelings for me, or who he's dating or the like, he quickly changes the subject. And I'll confess right now, he's damned good at it. I'll also mention that this 'guy' is the one mentioned in my last post as well. As you can tell, this feeling brought on by the wind has not receded to the corners of my mind yet.

He recently suggested that I move in with him-he owns a house and rents out some of the rooms to friends-and work with him-he coaches gymnastics as well. One of his friends/tennants supposedly has plans to move at the end of the summer, which is exactly when I would be ready to move in. I mentioned all this in the post about moving if you read back. But, aside from being a good opportunity with regard to my school/financial/living and working plans, it'd be really good for he and I.

We've always lived far apart. In the beginning, age was a big factor, even if distance hadn't been. Now that age isn't a factor, and distance isn't as big a problem, and if I moved into his house it really wouldn't factor at all, we still aren't actively pursuing anything. Don't get me wrong, I relish the fact that we've never had to follow rules or expectations, that it's just been what it is. That's so important to me. We've always been a sort of constant in each other's lives. But, I'd really like to verbally acknowledge that...to choose not to see other people but to actively make the effort to spend more time around each other. If I lived there, it would be so easy and we could just take each day as it came and see what happened. I desperately want the chance to make him happy and to be around him enough that he can continue to make me happy. Somehow I think it'd be the perfect way to see if what we have will become something even more amazing or, if it's something best kept as a memory and moved on from.

Part of me thinks I'm waiting for him to make some sort of move...to 'ask me out' or make good on the invite to move up there or to just verbalize his feelings-more for the sake of admitting it to himself and then having to commit to it I think. But, that kind of pussy-footing around has gone on for years. Maybe I ought to make some sort of move first? Yet, I think I'm hesitating because I know he has to recipricate. *sigh*

I hereby welcome all advice, questions, stories of similarity etc. I don't want you to say the stereotypical stuff of course but i'll bite my stubborn tongue long enough to hear you all out. So please, help?

(P.S. I apologize for the awful and colloquial english today.)

Ciao.

Thoughts for a listening wind...

2005-04-04T06:38:00.000-07:00

Saturday, April 2, 2005

The sky is a blue as deep and mysterious as an uncut sapphire. The clouds are an ivory dust billowed amid the vastness. There’s something in the wind tonight that carries my mind away.

Stepping outside for just a moment, inhaling the chilled scent of the deceased storm, I’m struck with a sudden shudder of lonesome. A clenching in my throat and a dull ache beneath my ribs...and with the next breath of wind, the feeling is passed, but returns on the following breeze. I’m provoked to think of the feeling of being in love, however unrequited. I remember too well the yearning, the want and loss, the euphoria and shattering.

Years back I met someone who, just by the way he said my name or touched my skin, could make me understand the sonnets and poems and all other classic literature. Because of him, I knew what true love was, and how fragile it is-like a flame. It’s so delicate, so fickle and indefinable, that it cannot be held or touched or at all manipulated. It touches whomever and whatever it likes, burning or warming, creating and igniting, even destroying. Yet it’s fragility is its strength. Just being close to it, you are affected. Sometimes caution does you no good and experience proves to be of little aid. Its mystery is the answer to the wonder of how it exists why it chooses its place.

Something in the wind tonight, has reminded me of this- of love. I find myself longing for that feeling of sheer contentment, of holding and being held. I thirst for that moment where, in his arms, the world fades into deep shadow, paused and waiting for me. No thing and no one else matters but the two of us, tangled in each other just existing together. No thoughts translated into unspoken words, no reasons or explanations are needed. We are just together, part of each other and part of life itself.

I must sound like a poor attempt at a poet, rambling on and tripping over thoughts. But somehow that’s all that seems fitting on such a night. The sun has left little trace of her visit from hours before. The earth seems charged with an anxious energy, almost whispering of things to come. The wind, tossing my hair and playing its icy touch over my skin, spins my mind, my thoughts.

I’m back to the place I was so many times before, for so many years. I miss him and how he makes me feel. I miss the way he says my name, the way he jokes with me. I miss the flutter of assuredness when he changes the subject to avoid speaking too much of his heart. I miss the sensation of his body pressed against mine, the rise and fall of his chest and I miss the rhythm of his heart. I miss the softness of his kiss on my neck and the strength in his arms when he pulls me to him. I miss the feeling of utter trust, and the closest thing to fear I’ve ever felt. I miss the teasing and the banter, the anticipation and the conquering.

But as I remember all the details, the moments forever resting in my memory, I also remember the doubt and the pain. I remember the frustration and the wanting. I remember the sense of helplessness and the nagging thought that I should move on and get over him. The war with practicality and with the challenge to accept things at face value can still make my stomach turn. For every moment sure of his feelings and how utterly amazing our pairing was, and is, there is a fleeting thought or memory of doubting it, if only for lack of confirmation.

And then, my feelings turn to thoughts of resentment; resentment towards my apparent dependency on modern social customs for confirmation of what my heart keeps shouting. Why should I need to hear him say in specific words that he feels the same for me as I do for him. When he says it in the inflection of my name, or in a touch, it’s as if I’ve always known it and heard it spoken with a language older than dreams, yet one still estranged to so many of the “awakened” world.

Doubt finds its way into my mind on the backs of such thoughts. It makes me wonder if I should feel as I do, if I should feel justified or privileged enough to write these words, or even to speak them to a listening wind. And then a fury, a sense of womanhood, or perhaps my soul itself, fights back, reminding me that I can, I should, and even that I must. My words will not, nor could they, change his feelings towards me. He either recognizes the bond or he does not. He either chooses to act upon it or he does not. Fate will either nurture us, and see we are helped together, or she will not.

And in this peace, resembling that of yin and yang, the wind still rests gently on my skin, reminding me I am mortal for this moment; but this feeling, is everlasting and one for which I was born to learn, to understand, and in which to revel. So I digress and in so doing, leave merely a whisper for the wind. Remind him of my love for him. Remind him of what he has felt. Remind him, of me.

Ciao.

Grapes Turning Sour...

2005-03-23T09:43:00.000-08:00

Where to begin? As anyone who has kept in touch with me lately, or has read my recent posts will know, I've been feeling like I've entered a time of veraison. Only now, today at least, I'm worried the grapes are turning sour.

I just had my taxes done and will mail them out tomorrow. Turns out I owe over $700 to the IRS and almost $300 to the state of NC. This is in addition of course to the $400+ and $200+ I already owe, respectively. Now, if my mother had not claimed me as a dependant, as I could get away with claiming myself, i'd get a refund of a couple hundred. But her taxes are done, refund in hand and she's dead set that I'm a dependant because I live with her. I know $150 a month for rent is really cheap but I still pay for my own phone, insurance, gas, most of my food, clothes etc. It's more like having a roommate than living with parents. But oh well. Ranting and bitching like a girl won't solve anything. And that is the only thing that will make me feel better-finding a solution i'm happy with. So, bare with me, I may bramble a bit. I figure that's fairly neutral with regard to gender stereotypes.

Anyway, I just emailed Mom and asked if it'd be ok to stay with her another year or so. Our schedules colide and while we live together, we don't see each other much. I'm not prepared to handle crap about coming home late or going out with friends. It's her home and she's entitled to the schedule and lifestyle she wants, but if I live there too, well then so am I. I'd still be working nights and coming home late and would still go out with friends-if they were to come over, it would just suck. Mom is not very social and goes to bed early. This is all fine of course, just not conducive to having someone over to watch a movie or whatever. So I go out...on rare occasion but still.

I'm still going to consider Lancaster, PA though. I'd be with friends, have jobs waiting that I enjoy, a great place to live and I'd be on my own. I really really miss that. I know I don't have a curfew or rules like I did as a teen but somehow, if nothing more than out of respect and proper upbringing, I feel like I do. I don't feel like I can keep whatever hours I want or have guests or take off for a weekend etc without checking with Mom. Not to get permission per se, but be sure it won't cause tension. As much as I'd miss my kids, my gym, the chance to rock climb daily for free, I'd really like the PA option to work out.

Veraison doesn't seem as wonderful when you throw in practicality and debt. It's like the difference between aged wine from a Tuscany villa, sipped slowly aside good company, and the cheap arbour mist crap they sell by the ass load in supermarkets. Both are wine, both are sweet, both can be enjoyed, with or without good company, but the latter, is just so...commercial? redundant? overdone? cheap? limiting? however you put it, not the same and not as good. Although, I'm sure vineyards experience veraison season after season. Perhaps it's the first few that yeild bitter and sour grapes. Or maybe the long, cold and hard winter is to blame. I'll merely have to trust fate, believe that another will occur and perhaps that one will be the one that allows me to realize at least one of my dreams...yeilds just one perfectly aged, glass of wine worthy of being enjoyed beside the Medditeranean while the sun melts helplessly into the waves.

*Sigh*

Ciao.

Reminiscing...

2005-03-22T06:10:00.000-08:00

I’ve applied to a summer camp this year. It’s been easily three years since I last worked at camp. This year will be a different one however. I have my second interview tomorrow and I’m really excited. I’m hoping they offer me the position right then.

I came home tonight thinking about all the wonderful aspects of summer camp and the personal memories I’ve gathered over the eight summers I spent there. I really look forward to calling a new one home and having new but similar experiences.

I’ve had camp songs running through my mind all night. When I say camp songs, I mean those I remember hearing while I was there, both at the campfires and on the radio at the time. As I took Buggy, (my beagle-corgi-jack russell and uber cute puppy,) out before bed tonight, I was singing Castle On A Cloud from Les Mis. Then various songs from JT, (James Taylor.) On the drive home I heard Last Kiss on the radio and remembered one of the staff playing it on his six string for the campfire. He also played Green Day’s Time Of Your Life one night.

Thinking of all the songs makes me think of all the people and all the conversations and various memories. It stirs a longing deep inside. I so miss watching flames dance and flicker against a sky full of stars. The memory of how the embers smelled each morning is strong enough to make me close my eyes and hold onto the thought for a moment. Then there’s the s’mores, and the mud sliding and the thunderstorms. Let’s not forget the ridiculous bugs!

There was a large light leading into the older girls division that lit the path at night. Well, of course, all the bugs for a ten-mile radius were attracted to it. And one lone, super lucky and super smart bat, called it his buffet. Literally, all he had to do was fly in circles until he got dizzy or full or both. Somehow though, there were still mosquitoes. They were examples of evolution that would make Darwin proud. All the deet and bug spray did nothing. They were immune and I swear they had teeth! The poor staff from England had bites that swelled to the size lemons! They were vampire-demon-bug-spawn.

There are sooooo many memories and stories and each one reminds me of another. I miss so many people and I can only hope they are doing well. I met some incredible people and had conversations that changed my life. Camp was home away from home. It seemed to be its own mini planet. Think of The Little Prince, only I had lots of company.

Oh, I should mention all the food fights and dares. When pudding was served, without fail, someone would take a huge mouthful, go to a friend, and ‘kiss’ them...a big wet one. In other words, put their mouth to the person’s cheek and release all the pudding. When jell-o was served, all the boys from Senior Hill, (older boys division,) would take their portion, stand on their benches and swallow it at the same time. Imagine roughly eighty boys and men standing on tables taking a jell-o shot together. Lol It was the craziest ritual.

Playing cards was huge at camp. You either played ratscrew or pitch. Anything else and you weren’t really playing cards. Most times, the person or people to lose at pitch had to complete a bet/dare. I still remember watching two boys eat charcoal-literally, a charred stick from a fire pit. Uber gross.

And I cannot mention food and the mess hall without telling the story of the army of darkness. Those who have seen the movie will appreciate the humor and the horror. Jay Gubiotti, division leader decided to dress in a black sleeping bag and title himself Lord Dark Worm. He had all the boys, (ages five through 11, picture about seventy-five of them,) and their counselors, dress in nothing but pants, roll around in dirt, plentiful at camp of course, and go to dinner. They use no silverware or plates. It was a sight to say the very least. But one that still makes me smile to remember.

I’ll stop here but if you’re curious or a glutton for listening to rambling, I’d be happy to oblige and offer more stories. But, I’m so glad to be going to camp again. It’s new so there will be new people, new traditions and this one is definitely more financially well off than my old one. I won’t be filthy or roughing it but it still promises the experiences that any summer camp would. It will be a more than welcome break from the daily grind and a wonderful visit back in time. What would really be spectacular would be to take one of my days off and visit my old camp. The new one is in upstate NY and the old in central RI. I won’t have my car so this could prove difficult but how fun.

I’ll be teaching photography and hopefully living with a group of the older girls. I’ll get to teach darkroom and camera basics and also use the digital camera to take shots for the camp’s website. http://www.pointopines.com Have I mentioned I’m excited?

It’s an all girls camp, which will be a switch from previous years, but just fine I’m sure. I’m told also that there is a brother camp across the lake. Oh and there should be some excellent rock climbing nearby too. Hopefully I’ll have all my own gear by then and can meet up with some locals one day and climb. Also, anyone near the area that would like to kidnap me one day or night is more than welcome. And please please send mail! Send packages with goodies or just letters. Mail at camp is wonderful wonderful wonderful. I’ll be sure to leave the appropriate address when I get it.

I know I’m being presumptuous talking as if I’m already going for sure, but I have a feeling. I’m crossing my fingers and hoping. I’m trying to trust that crazy emotion called intuition and leave it to fate. Wish me luck!

Ciao.

Post Script. I was just offered the job!! Wahoo!! hehe.

Overcoming...

2005-03-21T06:09:00.000-08:00

So I’ve been realizing lately, among lots of things really, that I’m better. I’m winning. I’m not sick anymore. When I say sick, I’m referring not to a virus or disease, but a mindset really. One that I had to change before I could say I was better. Now, I feel that I can.

But I should explain, as most of you must have no idea what I’m referring too. Since childhood, I’ve battled anorexia. Most people who knew me over the years never knew. Most would probably never guess. I suppose on one side that’s good. On another, perhaps it would have changed things sooner.

I began my first diet when I was in sixth grade. I remember that for a couple weeks, I would simply offer my lunch to anyone who wanted it or throw it away. I bought a carton of skim milk and called that lunch instead. Mild in extreme by most standards but that was all it took. It began a cycle of crash diets and obsession with food and body image that lasted for years. Diets ranged in severity. I’d skip breakfast or I’d skip lunch. I’d come home from school and hide in my room. Sometimes, I’d claim not to be hungry and go to sleep at five o’clock in order to miss dinner.

There were times I could recite the number of calories and fat grams etc. for major candy bars and foods. There were times I’d buy hoards of junk food and resolve to work out extra hard. I remember one night, I was doing crunches and other exercises in my room. I was working so hard it had actually woken my brother, who came to ask why I was breathing so hard.

Then there were the pills. One specific night comes to mind over all the other days using different pills. I’d skipped dinner and barely eaten early that day. The directions said take one pill three times daily with a full glass of water. I took about six, with only enough water to swallow them. Talk about dumb-ass move. I was in horrible pain. It seemed as if I’d been impregnated; by an alien that was now about to jump out of my stomach. Reading the list of ingredients later on, I realized that the pills had a high concentration of acid-hydrochloric if I remember correctly.

I knew what I was doing. I knew it was bad to say the least. There’d be good and bad days, good and bad weeks, even months. But it was always a win-win/lose-lose situation. If I ate, I knew it was healthy, but that I’d potentially gain weight or at least not lose any. If I didn’t eat, I knew it was unhealthy but I’d lose weight or keep it off. It was the same with exercise. I saw all the after-school specials so popular in youth. I had all the lectures in health class. My mother would yell or nit-pick too. But it seemed like “it” had control of me, instead of me having control of it.

I’d venture to say that until you genuinely have the same thoughts or feelings and experiences, you’ll never fully understand. But this is the best I can do to help you understand, on the assumption that you want to of course. You, as a hypothetically healthy and so-called normal person, choose to eat let’s say three meals a day. You exercise in some capacity three or four times a week. You could be healthier but you could do much worse. Your choices of food and exercise and clothing come from your perception of self. You gain and maintain confidence with each affirmation by way of food or exercise etc. With anorexia, it’s the same. The only difference is, the means of reaching similar standards of health and beauty can prove technically unhealthy. The average person, I’d say at the very least most people, wants to be attractive. There is an innate desire to be trim, lean, toned, strong, etc. Yes it varies from culture to culture but let’s stick to ours for now. I’m leaving the stereotypes about rail thin models out because it has little bearing in truly understanding this.

Jane and John Doe use exercise and food in moderation to achieve the bodies they want. They stay reasonably healthy by scientific/medical standards. The methods they choose to use don’t seem extreme. But when you vary from the accepted standard, suddenly its extreme. I guess my biggest point is that not everyone who suffers from anorexia, or any other eating disorder,(and they are disorders, not diseases,) does not necessarily reach 90 pounds and epitomize the after-school special stereotype. One can be sick and not reach obvious extremes.

It took years to convince myself I using unsafe ways of achieving a goal. I knew the goal was not overly extreme. We don’t all look in a mirror and see ourselves as tubs of lard. But yes, the “soft” curves, the excess weight is noticed. The desire to be thin is strong and resembles something of an “ocd” to use a newly popular term. When someone is “ocd” about keeping something clean, it’s ok. Maybe silly or annoying but it’s ok in the end. When someone is that way about their appearance, we approach murky waters.

But I digress. My attempt here is not to convince you to be patient and understanding to those around you who suffer from an eating disorder. I am merely elaborating on my experience with it and with getting better.

One summer, when I was probably fifteen or sixteen, I realized just how serious my disorder was. I recognized that it had taken control of me and that I soon would be at a point where others would force help on me and that I may not be able to perceive that help as a good thing. There were other issues going on that will perhaps be discussed at a later time. I was working at summer camp. In little more than seven weeks, I had lost four inches from my waist. Having no scale at the time I don’t know what the weight would total. But I lost the weight not from exercising or eating well but from not eating.

My skin began to hurt. My hair was falling out. No, it doesn’t come out in large clumps like on tv. You simply begin to lose more than normal, and it doesn’t grow back, or if it does, it takes longer. My joints hurt all the time. I had stomach cramps non-stop. I was restless one minute and exhausted the next. I was an emotional time bomb. It reached a point, quickly, where just being around food, others eating, made my stomach churn. The more I needed to eat the less I wanted to eat. If and when I did, it was maybe a roll and milk. There were days, that I would drink almost half a gallon of milk, but practically no food.

People began to tell me that I had problems and that I needed help. The camp nurse even scolded me, saying that my campers watched what I did and that I was setting a bad example. I promise you those kids ate. Hell it was gross to watch sometimes even to someone with no problems with food.

After the night that I almost killed myself, (again, more details may come at another time,) I realized that things were a mess and I was the only one who could begin the ripples of change. And I did. One day at a time, somehow, but certainly not alone, I began to get better.

I researched my disorder and found many theories on causes. There is the ever-popular one about gymnasts developing disorders when they leave the sport. Being a former gymnast, I turned that one over in my mind many times, but it just never seemed that simple. I read theories that suggested women developed disorders as a means of control. So many other things, work and family etc. controlled their lives but at least they could control food. I think that one is a load of bullshit. No, make that a huge load of moose shit.

I spent many hours wondering if I was just mildly insane. There was no simple easy explanation as to why I felt like I did. I’d spend all kinds of effort to feel attractive to others, even myself, but compliments always appeared phony or polite. It was a catch twenty-two, a downward cycle.

I’ve done lots of research on health and weight, exercise and diet. I’ve taken a class and learned a lot the hard way. I don’t call myself a health nut, fitness buff. Nor do I put myself on the same pedestal as a personal trainer or dietician. But I’ve learned a lot and put it to good use.

I’ve reached a point where I have control. And my confidence gets steadily stronger and stronger. I’ve re-evaluated my goals and the means by which I attain them. They are still pretty much the same, but I’ve changed the details. I’ve found a way to be satisfied with progress and to let it motivate me further, in a healthy way. My concern now is more how I reach the goal and not just being able to claim a goal. Before, I would say, “I want to be thin.” Now, I’d say, “I don’t want to be carrying excess weight.” The difference is that before, it was just about being thin, plain and simple. Now, it’s about being a healthy weight as determined by my genes. Before, I used to crash diet to avoid weight gain and nudge weight loss. I used to eat because I had to, and feel guilty, for lack of a better word, when I did. Now, I eat because I practically crave certain forms of energy.

Side note: I love carbs! I’m sick of all this Atkins crap! It’s so very unhealthy and quite dangerous. Most people don’t do adequate research and just do the gist of it. Even worse. That, and they seem to forget that excess protein-by the way, the average American already eats too much protein-is stored as fat. Duh! Food is energy. We need to eat to survive and we’re lucky enough to have so many options, to be able to choose what we enjoy. But, too much of something, healthy or not, is just as bad and too little of something healthy. With all our technology, resources, money, you’d think we’d be in the best shape in the world. We aren’t. Americans, in general, are disgusting. The fast food, the friggin’ low carb pre-processed foods in a box...on and on. Yes it’s expensive, even time consuming to eat well, but it’s worth it isn’t it? Mortality is short and your life will be hindered or helped by your body. Treat it well and use what it has to offer. But, again I digress, lest I jump into a debate about modern culture and all its downfalls, like fast food chains and cigarettes. Perhaps another time. End side note.

I began this post to express a sense of accomplishment and I’ve written more than I thought I would. So I’ll just pat myself on the back for overcoming the obstacle, for reaching a point where I’m happy with my body and how it’s changed and continues to change. A few hard lessons in health, love, loss and a new sport-rock climbing-has led me to a new level of confidence. It feels damn good!

Side note: Speaking of this new-found confidence, I just recently had pictures taken. For years I hated it and took many efforts to avoid being in front of a camera. While I love being behind it still, it was so fun to step in front again for a moment. I had a friend take some shots for me. I thought I’d be nervous and self-conscious. I worried that maybe I wasn’t ready for such “test.” But I was. So thank you JD for helping, even though you didn’t know you did and to the rest of you, perhaps I’ll post a few favorites soon. End side note.

Ciao.

Green with fatigue...

2005-03-18T06:24:00.000-08:00

I was up late again last night. Lately, talking on the phone until after 2am has been normal. No wonder my eyes are green all the time-they do that when I'm tired. I kind of wish they'd stay that way. Green not tired. But last night, I was speaking with a different friend and it was quite the mindfuck. In a good way mind you. But, as usual, hearing from him always manages to turn things upside down somehow.

I've taken to calling this page of my life the veraison point. Recently, I felt there was definately still more to come and boy was I right. My decision to take time off from school, rooted in practicality, led to research of living in some distant desert state...Arizona. Then, that list became New Mexico, then California. Now, I have a new city to consider and a whole new path from which to choose.

California, Marin County is a place I've wanted to live for so long. Is it because my mother did once? or just because it's beautiful? Who knows. Who cares. It'd be a fantastic place to live for awhile. There's a wonderful rock climbing gym there and state parks and one of my favorite places in the world (thus far)-Muir Beach Overlook.

New Mexico and Arizona. The desert and all its splendor, adventure and allure. Rock climbing, running, hiking, camping and on and on and on. Need I mention the sunsets? or the cheap cost of living?

Lancaster, Pa. New option. The home of above mentioned friend. We've been friends since I was nine years old...*doing math* that's over 13 years. Through all the time and journies and crap, our relationship has been a constant for the both of us. What makes it so special I think is that isn't one thing or another. I couldn't stuff it in a box and label it romantic, or just friends, or more than friends, or friends with benefits or, anything else for that matter. It is what it is and that's fantastic. I like where he and I have ended up and the thought of getting to be close by again, is really enticing. There are practical draws too of course. Moving there, assuming all goes as 'planned' last night, I'd have a great place to stay for only $400 a month, all utilities included. I'd have a job or two, or more maybe, lined up ahead of time...ones I would enjoy and ones that would pay pretty well. Thus I'd be able to save some money and build credit-the whole reason for more time off of school.

There's definately a draw to being close to him also. We've always been separated by multiple states. I like to think it would only bring us closer as friends somehow, to be so near each other for once. So, good company, safe area, job(s) waiting, great living situation, and I'd be still reasonably close to Mom, Dad, best friend, other friends and NC-good for when I'm able to finish school at RCC.

So, the research continues. As does the journey. As does the veraison. I could call California home in a heartbeat if the practical factors oblige. I could spend countless hours exploring life in the desert, confident the practical factors would work out. I could move to PA with friends and practicality perfectly balanced in my hands. I need to trust my intuition and listen to the little inner voice-this I know. But I can't afford not to be smart about things like money and future endeavors. I'm excited, so I'm anxious. I know I should just relax and allow the answers to present themselves but I can't help but search. I feel like a girl lost in the woods. Happy to be there, knowing that each path offers something new and exciting. But how far do I take any one path before choosing to follow it for a considerable time? How can I pick one just by seeing a few feet of it? a few trees?

I guess all I can do for now is keep looking-researching. Use the control I do have over my life and trust Fate with the rest. I'll keep you all updated. Hope you can keep up.

Until I see you again, on this path less traveled by...Ciao.

There is no arizona...

2005-03-16T12:19:00.000-08:00

There's a country-western song called There Is No Arizona. For years since I've heard it I've known how the girl in the song felt. I knew I would go to Arizona, or somewhere west, and prove to myself that there was in fact and Arizona. Not the state of course, that's obvious. I'd go in search of the desert and all it's freedoms. The passion in the thunderstorms. The grace in the sunsets. The desire of the sun for the earth. The chance to take this journey has finally come to pass and it will be taken.

I'll be moving by summer's end, out west. Looking at Arizona, New Mexico and California. I feel like an unrequited lover finally finding favour in her chosen one's heart. I've always known I belonged there but have not been able, or perhaps not be ready, to be there until now. Sure, practicality is being lopped piece by piece from my pocket, like the breadcrumbs of Hansel and Gretel. Hindsight, bitch that she is, sits on one shoulder reminding me of my past. She points out scars and burns left by tears. But Destiny, sits on the other, coaxing me forward, showing me dreams of what lies before me, all painted in majestic golds, blues, reds and purples that melt together like rain drops in the soil.

I know that I'll be leaving behind friends and memories; cutting loose threads that have slowly knotted over the past few years. Yet, I'm content in knowing that those who are truly worth saving will stretch. The knots will never untie, the bonds never be cut. The friendships will grow and bend as needed, as both ends move through life.

I'll update you all on my progress and plans accordingly. For the moment though, I need to find new focus on school and am looking forward to a wonderful weekend away in D.C. Sorry, not many details will be posted about that but just be happy for me that I'll have such a wonderful time with an amazing friend.

Until next we meet, ciao.